Saturday, June 11, 2011


5 childhood heroes you could easily kill

with one readily available weapon

Oh superheroes they are just amazing are they not? Fighting crime, taking punches, dodging explosives and defeating overelaborate weapons! They tend to symbolize our secret hopes, fears and desires. Too bad 95% of them could be gunned down extremely easily by you. So now that you are a man or woman (we are not sexist here) (but boys are better) it’s time to rise above your childhood heroes and learn that you are more powerful than most of them.

Before we show the hit list of superhero fatalities I want to introduce you to your weapon of choice.

Take a moment to inhale the absolute beauty of this beast. This is the Barrett 50 Cal sniper rifle. The most powerful civilian legal gun in the U.S. To give you an idea of just how powerful this gun is a 9 mm handgun will put a decent quarter size hole in you. That is usually enough to drop just about every person on the planet. The Barrett here has the tendency to no make a hole at all. “What?” You say! A tiny handgun does more damage than this rifle? Well no… you see the Barrett doesn’t leave a hole because it literally tears its targets in freakin’ half!

(You before Barrett 50 Cal)

(You after Barrett 50 Cal)

Notice how there is a lot of red and no bottom and blood coming out of your eyes? That’s because the Barrett 50 Cal is a destroyer of worlds! Oh and did we mention it has a kill range of three and half miles yah little detail we forgot to add.

Ok now that we have established how awesome the Barrett is (but don’t think that will shut us up about it) let’s move on to the hit list for today.

First let’s start with an extremely beloved superhero and obvious target for destruction…

#1 Batman

Look at Batman so valiantly taking a step so determined, so focused so… easily killed by the Barrett.

While batman is strong, smart and more than capable of taking the handguns and even machine guns his enemies have with his cutting edge, bullet stopping awesome body armor he is no match for the 50 Cal. The problem is no body armor no matter how cutting edge would ever stop a Barrett. “Lies!” the Batman fan base cries out. For those of you who have cried out I give you this photo.

That my friend is tank armor about one and half feet of steel and other undisclosed bullet proof material. See how there is a gaping hole in it that is all thanks to the Barrett 50 cal.

So even if batman was wearing a tank suit he would be utterly destroyed by the Barrett let alone his silly cutting edge rubbery head. The Barrett’s bullet would go through Batman’s armor like and obese man goes through a box of Twinkies.

Batman vs. Barrett 50 Cal = Dead squishy guy with multiple personality disorder oh and those arguing that his armor would save his life but still severely injure him I refer you to the cutting a person in half fact at the top.

#2 The Flash

“Waaait wait wait!!!! Surely you are not going to argue that a gun can kill The Flash a being that moves faster than the speed of light? That would be absurd!” Actually I am going to argue that The Flash, a being who can move faster than the speed of light, can be killed by a gun easily. You see while The Flash is fast he is not always fast. He is not constantly running around and stuff. The Flash does have the tendency to stop and socialize with his friends and colleges and telly tubby collection etc. Well unbenounced to most of you the bullet the Barrett fires actually moves really freakin’ fast. Like road runner high on a mixture of PCP and meth fast. The 50 Cal bullets are flying about 3 times the speed of sound. So while The Flash is extremely fast he would not be able to react because the bullet would have killed him before anyone even heard the sound. That’s right chock that up on the awesomeness of the Barrett it kills things before you hear it! Who needs a silencer when you can’t even the hear the darn thing until it’s too late.

The Flash V.S. Barrett= Exploding Flash head!

#3 Superman

Ok now I know most of you would be happy if I could come up with a way to kill Superman but really how could I? He’s Superman after all. Most of us would give anything to blow away that stupid blank expression on mister goody two shoes but he just won’t freakin’ die! Luckily murdering the happy go lucky dork is easier than you would think. You see there is actually this cool process you can do to bullets it’s called adding a tip. They have tracer round tips that let you see where you are aiming, they have armor piercing round tips and you could have, you guessed it, a kryptonite tipped bullet! “Wait a minute there! Kryptonite is a fake element how will we get that?” Well first off if you were in the superman world it would exist but that won’t be my argument instead I will shove your argument up your superman loving nostrils. Kryptonite is real!

(Check out the nerd fest here

So As you should know Superman turns into your regular old average Joe when he is in proximity with Kryptonite so we have a Kryptonite tipped bullet flying through the air faster than the speed of sound so Superman cannot hear it and react to the oncoming green banana of death it would then place the Kryptonite in the back of his stupid head along with a the huge chunk of lead. For those of you wondering what that would look like keep in mind that a watermelon is a pretty accurate representation of a person’s head and watch this.

Pretty sweet huh? (p.s. ignore the freak eating watermelon in the video)

#4 Green Lanterns

Ok I felt bad about this one considering he doesn’t even have a movie yet but a superhero is a superhero and Green Lantern is considered pretty overpowered. Not to mention his movie is coming out soon. The green Lantern lacks one key ability that makes him vulnerable to our Barrett he cannot see the future. Just in case you were wondering the only power that would beat your Barrett would be psychic powers with the ability to predict the future, invulnerability and immortality. So unfortunately the green lantern lacks all these powers therefore his head would go the way of the watermelon lets watch that again just for fun.

#5 Wolverine

Now as you may have noticed I have a thing for figuring out how to kill superheroes. Wolverine has always been my favorite thought puzzle because he is just so hard to kill the little punk just won’t stay dead. So this is the farthest stretch we will take in this article. First we will assume you are in the x men universe and have access to adamantium 50 Cal Bullets. You see a weird thing happens when a really hard object goes through another really hard object that is air tight. For a real world example let’s look at the anti-tank round. An anti-tank round is actually very small. A tank can take a lot of explosion and bullets and basically anything that isn’t harder then it. The anti-tank round gets around this problem by creating something much harder that move extremely fast remind you of anything? *cough*Barrett*cough* the anti-tank round shoots a pencil sized piece of uranium, the most dense substance on the planet, with enough propellant to launch the west side of Missouri into space. This pencil of death pokes a tiny hole in the tank but because it is moving so fast it causes what is known as “extreme pressure change” that translates into every thing that ever moved in the tank goes kablooey! That’s right it turns the air into its own bomb! Pretty sick huh? Well that’s all fine and dandy for tank killing but back to our problem at hand. The Barrett armed with adamantium 50 Cal bullets would be flying really fast as mentioned before and wolverines head is a really hard air tight object so we would have our good ol’ friend the “extreme pressure change” going on in wolverines head. Now even this isn’t enough to kill the dork because being the steroid induced freak that he is having no brain isn’t that high of a priority. So to finish the problem up you could just inject him with adamantium ala X men 2 style and then throw him into the deepest part of the ocean problem solved.

Well there is 5 of the more overpowered and considered invincible superheroes taken down by you with a Barrett 50 Cal. As you can probably tell most superheroes are easily killed by the Barrett and feel free to add your own to the list enjoy overcoming your childhood heroes and becoming way cooler in the process. Maybe this article will create a new villain called Barrett Man who just goes through each comic universe and blows away heroes if this happens I want royalties and the hero must have a striking resemblance to me!

That's it for today's epic how to random check in daily for updates and every saturday for more howto randoms until next time stay random randomeers!


Zed said...

They should make a film about this or something


No way could we kill any of these heroes. If badguys can't do it, what chance do we stand.

Rob said...

haha great list, I enjoyed that

Yehlyre said...

hahahhhahaha great post.
Good points too! Superhero bashing for the win.

Salted Plum said...

America is scary!

Brick said...

awesome post i enjoyed reading it a lot, good to know that i kill superheroes if the need arises =P.

LightStand said...

Awesome post, so long XD That is such an amazing sniper, if it could really do all that (i don't doubt that it could)

minecraft129 said...

Damn, I've always wanted to fire a 50 cal. Barrett. That thing looks like a monster.

Jonny said...

Loved reading this! And I'd actually quite like superman to die, annoying as anything. Didn't know anti-tank rounds are Uranium. Sick.

The R00STER said...

The gun could take the Flash down, but would be hard to aim at him, unless he did not know you were aiming

Jack said...

so, who can't be killed by one of these?

Hash said...

Great story with visual!

Ken said...

cool post

Recharge. said...

Lol, Barrett Man would be great. It'd be full of bloody fun!

Brandon said...

You'd have to catch them first, haha. Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

No way this gun is taking any of these guys down, not happening

NeedingANickname said...

Whoa... even Superman? I don't think so.

Jammer said...

Cant kill Spiderman!

Mike said...

That's an interesting list haha